|
| AUTHOR |
MESSAGE |
|
Tease
47 / female
small town, Minnesota, US
|
Re: Jokes
The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
|
| September 10, 2004, 20:05 |
|
Tease
47 / female
small town, Minnesota, US
|
Re: Jokes
Ten things you will never hear a woman say.
1) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
2) Shouldn't you be out drinking with your friends?
3) Great fart!! Rip another one!
4) Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.
5) You should see the shit I just birthed.
6) I'd rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.
7) Let's start subscribing to Hustler.
8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9) I'll swallow it all. I love the taste of it!
10) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm buying. 
|
| September 10, 2004, 20:12 |
|
hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
|
Re: Jokes
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress.
You've seen his wars."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
|
| September 16, 2004, 14:43 |
|
backfromaustintx
67 / male
Burlington, Ontario, Canada
|
Re: Jokes
|
| September 16, 2004, 17:44 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Re: Jokes
QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ September 16, 2004, 14:43)An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress.
You've seen his wars."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
damn its good to live up here on the reservation! 
|
| September 16, 2004, 18:36 |
|
bawbie
64 / female
mesa, Arizona, US
|
Re: Jokes
a contest was held to find out which is the best law enforcement agency in the us. they were to track down and capture a certian rabbit in the woods.
first, the cia went in. they planted bugs. they paid informants.they questioned all witnesses, both vegatable and mineral. after two weeks, the came back and reported rabbits do not exist.
next the fbi went in. they surrounded the woods and tried to negotiate with the rabbit. they played loud music. after two weeks, they burned down the woods. fucking rabbit deserved it.
another rabbit was set loose in another wood. the lapd went in. after a couple of warning shots and two hours, they came out with a badly beat-up bear. the bear was screaming "i'm a rabbit, i'm a rabbit"
|
| September 19, 2004, 17:19 |
|
Tease
47 / female
small town, Minnesota, US
|
Re: Jokes
7 Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIFTH DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE:
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." SEVENTH DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
I dont know why I punish myself with these dumb blonde jokes!
|
| September 20, 2004, 05:15 |
|
pepper
56 / female
daytona, Florida, US
|
Re: Jokes
A blonde Walked into a barber shop to get her hair cut and sat down in the chair.
She was wearing a pair of headphones and a portable CD player at her waist.
When it was her turn, she sat down in the chair and the barber told her to take the earphones off or he wouldn't be able to cut her hair properly.
She protested that she needed the headphones, they were very important to her and she had to keep them on, no matter what.
He finally convinced her to take them off and proceeded to cut her hair.
When he was done, he turned her to look in the mirror to see if she liked her hair, but she didn't move.
After trying to wake her and calling the paramedics, she was declared dead.
One medic picked up the headphones and listened to them for a minute.....and all he heard was a voice saying
Ready??
Wait for it......
Here it comes....
Breathe in...Breathe out...breathe in...breathe out...
  
Hee hee
|
| September 22, 2004, 08:49 |
|
pepper
56 / female
daytona, Florida, US
|
Re: Jokes
What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits the windshield of a car?
His ASS!!!!
|
| September 22, 2004, 08:50 |
|
backfromaustintx
67 / male
Burlington, Ontario, Canada
|
Re: Re: Jokes
Breathe in...Breathe out...breathe in...breathe out...
Yeouwww! Ouch!
|
| September 23, 2004, 15:41 |
|
backfromaustintx
67 / male
Burlington, Ontario, Canada
|
Re: Jokes
I love Engineer jokes.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 
|
| September 23, 2004, 15:48 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Re: Jokes
QUOTE (backfromaustintx @ September 23, 2004, 15:48)I love Engineer jokes.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
sure it aint just accounting for those 25 year or 100 year rainfall events?
|
| September 23, 2004, 18:16 |
|
Tease
47 / female
small town, Minnesota, US
|
Re: Jokes
Red neck jokes...
You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend
Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
|
| September 25, 2004, 20:03 |
|
Tease
47 / female
small town, Minnesota, US
|
Re: Jokes
Beer Translations
1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I'll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I'm easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I'm gay .
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) I'm horny.
10. "Who's got the next round?" I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
|
| September 25, 2004, 20:06 |
|
bawbie
64 / female
mesa, Arizona, US
|
Re: Jokes
tease-
you be treadin on thin ice, gal. y'alls name is now on the "keep your eyes peeled" list.
ooo&xxx"s
p.o.s.s.u.m.
bawbie didn't write this here.
|
| September 25, 2004, 20:11 |
|
allon
64 / male
salisbury, England, UK
|
Re: Jokes
A scientist has invented a Bra that stops tits bobbing up & down & nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked the shit out outta him.
|
| September 27, 2004, 17:24 |
|
Tease
47 / female
small town, Minnesota, US
|
Re: Re: Jokes
QUOTE (bawbie @ September 25, 2004, 20:11)tease-
you be treadin on thin ice, gal. y'alls name is now on the "keep your eyes peeled" list.
ooo&xxx"s
p.o.s.s.u.m.
bawbie didn't write this here.
Girl only a redneck can get away with posting that 
|
| September 27, 2004, 17:58 |
|
hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
|
Re: Jokes
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
|
| September 30, 2004, 13:08 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Jokes
A travelling salesman knocked on a door, 8 year old little Johnny answers, smoking a cigar and with a beer in one hand... The salesman says "um, young man is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet, takes a drink, and says "what the fuck do you think."
|
| September 30, 2004, 13:11 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Jokes
Ed is bringing his date home from his apartment. As she's getting out of the truck he says, "if i had known you were a virgin, i'd have taken my time" she repiles "i wasnt, if you hadn't been in such a rush i'd have taken off my panty hose!"
|
| September 30, 2004, 15:54 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Jokes
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
Amen
|
| October 1, 2004, 05:37 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Jokes
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a poodle?
A cockadoodle
|
| October 1, 2004, 06:29 |
|
absix
41 / male
Web Naughty
|
Re: Jokes
|
| October 1, 2004, 08:27 |
|
Tease
47 / female
small town, Minnesota, US
|
Re: Jokes
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife,"Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walk back into the room completely naked except for his boots.Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hangingdown again tomorrow." Furious, Sam Yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A BITCH IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam... Shoulda bought a hat."
|
| October 1, 2004, 15:38 |
|
hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
|
Re: Jokes
I just bought a new hat
|
| October 1, 2004, 16:17 |
|
backfromaustintx
67 / male
Burlington, Ontario, Canada
|
Re: Re: Jokes
QUOTE (kbateman @ October 1, 2004, 05:37)FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
SO THATS what those barely audible voices are saying to me every night! I'm ready, willing, and able to answer those prayers! Too bad many women choose entirely different men.
|
| October 1, 2004, 16:58 |
|
backfromaustintx
67 / male
Burlington, Ontario, Canada
|
Re: Re: Jokes
QUOTE (Tease @ October 1, 2004, 15:38)An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife,"Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walk back into the room completely naked except for his boots.Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hangingdown again tomorrow." Furious, Sam Yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A BITCH IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam... Shoulda bought a hat."
|
| October 1, 2004, 17:00 |
|
pepper
56 / female
daytona, Florida, US
|
Re: Jokes
Kinda OT, but we thought it was funny as, well....
SHIT
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit,sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
|
| October 1, 2004, 21:52 |
|
pepper
56 / female
daytona, Florida, US
|
Re: Jokes
Tease, this one is for you, since you said you'd heard every blonde joke..... so tell me if you've heard this one....
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?" 
|
| October 1, 2004, 21:57 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Re: Jokes
QUOTE (pepper @ October 1, 2004, 21:57)Tease, this one is for you, since you said you'd heard every blonde joke..... so tell me if you've heard this one....
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Hahah that is a good one! Not that I have anything against blondes!
|
| October 2, 2004, 04:58 |
|
Tease
47 / female
small town, Minnesota, US
|
Re: Jokes
New one on me Very cute though!
|
| October 2, 2004, 07:01 |
|
|
