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Feelin' Blue............
My best friend is in the process of divorcing her husband of 31 years. She initiated the separation and was the driver of the entire deal. Her problem is she has no supporters other than new found acquaintances. Her family has all but shunned her. They think she's freakin' crazy for leaving her husband. Maybe her sudden late-mid-life crisis is a long in coming desire for a life style change, for lack of a better term and the fact she's getting older. She hates the "gettin' older" part. She just turned 51.
She told me not too long ago that her husband was not giving her enough sex and what sex there was was of a "he shoots-he scores" variety. No oral sex at all. She has told me that if the man in her life doesn't go "downtown", she is not happy. I'll tell you now, this broad is N-O-T H-A-P-P-Y!! I've told her, flat out, that if there is anything that I can do to help "fill in the gaps" in her sexual well being, just say the word. I think it would put some "zing" in her step. It's the least I can do. Maybe then, she would reconsider her decision to divorce a really nice, steady, non abusive, husband.
Am I over-stepping my position as good friend and her lone married supporter? I would do almost anything short of criminal, for her. That's what a friend should do.
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| November 16, 2006, 04:07 |
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Re: Feelin' Blue............
I dunno hon, it's never a good idea to get involved in another couples seperation, divorce or problems....you're gonna lose one of them as a friend, or both...even worse...end up tracking their mess home and screwing up your own marraige, or causing your wife some upset...
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| November 16, 2006, 07:35 |
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NRG4U
63 / male
Beaver City, Nebraska, US
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Re: Feelin' Blue............
You're a grown up, & you'll do what you want, but here's a few thoughts to consider before you take the plunge.. ( no pun intended)It sounds as though you have some feelings for her, & looks like a easy chance to live out your fantasy. But do you really think that you having sex with her is gonna hold the marriage together? Eventually, he will find out, ifsomeone else doesn't clue him in, maybe she will herself while in a heated argument, just to say something to make it sting. If they decide to stick it out, or if they reconcile, he will see you as the sly wolf, trying to split them up, which means you will probably not be welcome at their home, nor will she be allowed to associate with you without sneaking around, which again, he will hear about it somehow. If you are friends with him at all, & you get involved, chances are good that you are going to be expected to choose sides with one or the other, in which case, you will lose the friendship with the other. Best if you told them that you both are friends, & I'd rather not be involved, since it's not your marriage in question, not really your business. Best to let them work it out themselves, whichever way it goes. Just my opinion, & maybe there is a good reason my opinions, & advice are free. 
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| November 16, 2006, 07:59 |
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Re: Re: Feelin' Blue............
QUOTE (Chazzy @ November 16, 2006, 07:35)I dunno hon, it's never a good idea to get involved in another couples separation, divorce or problems....you're gonna lose one of them as a friend, or both...even worse...end up tracking their mess home and screwing up your own marriage, or causing your wife some upset...
You are absolutely right, but.......I am already involved. They both confide in me. As I said in my original post, my friend has told me stuff that I'm sure she hasn't shared with her husband. It's very difficult to not get involved. I would rather she come to me to satisfy "her needs" than just anybody. I would do it as a "favor" to a good friend and not as a "get me some" selfish reason.
Do I sound like a selfish, typical, low life or just someone who wants to help a good friend? Believe me when I say this, I would not feel guilty in the least!!
It hurts me to see her without a smile on her`face.
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| November 16, 2006, 08:01 |
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NRG4U
63 / male
Beaver City, Nebraska, US
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Re: Feelin' Blue............
Then it sounds as though you've already made your decision, regardless of the conseqences. But be warned, you may lose the friendship permanetly. And if he does find out, & he will,.... I wouldn't be walking up any dark alleys.
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| November 16, 2006, 08:13 |
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Re: Re: Feelin' Blue............
QUOTE (NRG4U @ November 16, 2006, 08:13)Then it sounds as though you've already made your decision, regardless of the consequences. But be warned, you may lose the friendship permanently. And if he does find out, & he will,.... I wouldn't be walking up any dark alleys.
I know, I know, I am aware of the consequences and still I would do what may need to be done. She probably would never come to me in her hour of "need" anyway.
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| November 16, 2006, 08:19 |
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Re: Re: Re: Feelin' Blue............
Other than just being a good listener/friend-I think thats about all you can do to help the situation. Anytime outside influences factor into a failing marriage, particularly in the sex dept.,things tend to go down hill rapidly. If you have definately decided to get involved in things, perhaps you should recommend to your female friend that she should sit down and discuss her issues with her husband and maybe he can help her feel better/more complete in their marriage. I realize that this can be a very difficult thing to do but if she is committed to saving her marriage-she'll have to do what it takes.Its hard to fix something that you don't necessarily think is broke and sometimes guys have to have the obvious pointed out to them,even if its right in front of their face. There is truth to the whole men are from mars,women are from venus thing because there are some great differences in what makes us tick. Your encouragement in this area should help things get better if thats truly your desire-that they stay together. (You have to make sure that your feelings for her don't dictate the actions you take.) You have to be selfless in the pursuit of her happiness.
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| November 16, 2006, 08:22 |
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Re: Feelin' Blue............
I'll be blunt VB...blunt with lottsa luv, ok?
Yep...it does sound a little selfish to me..it's just not about you and him and her...there's another "her" involved her by association with you...your wife, of course...ya know that your involvement with this couple's problems is bound to ooze itself into you good marriage, okay...maybe it will, maybe it won't, but there's that chance it will, and what risk are you willing to take?
One scenario...your friend's husband finds out, or even gets suspicious (suspicion can happen even when there is nothing going on) and it could blow up, and you can't protect your wife from the shrapnel if that should happen...there is a serious risk here.
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| November 16, 2006, 08:23 |
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Re: Feelin' Blue............
You're such a good man, VB, you're a good husband...but you've always had such a thing for this female friend.
I've been there, know what it's like to be so attracted to someone and the timing always seems to suck!
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| November 16, 2006, 08:29 |
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Re: Feelin' Blue............
Sounds like Russian Roulette to me. A very unhealthy environment for everyone involved. Many repercussions could occur, mentally and legally.
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| November 16, 2006, 08:31 |
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Re: Re: Feelin' Blue............
QUOTE (Chazzy @ November 16, 2006, 08:29)You're such a good man, VB, you're a good husband...but you've always had such a thing for this female friend.
I've been there, know what it's like to be so attracted to someone and the timing always seems to suck!
......And they call you a "bitch". lol
I appreciate your concern and your own experiences, not withstanding, give you a great insight to what I'm going through. Deep down, I know it would be wrong, but...........
Ah, to tell you the truth, if she were to approach me for my "services", I'd probably wet my pants or worse!
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| November 16, 2006, 08:49 |
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Re: Feelin' Blue............
There are few worse conflicts than the ones we have with ourselves!
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| November 16, 2006, 09:03 |
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Re: Re: Feelin' Blue............
QUOTE (Chazzy @ November 16, 2006, 09:03)There are few worse conflicts than the ones we have with ourselves!
AMEN, sister!
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| November 16, 2006, 09:09 |
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Re: Feelin' Blue............
voyeurbill, Chazzy and NRG4U hit it right on!
It is obvioulsy difficult to sit idly by as the circumstances around the people you care about change.
and maybe as a friend to them you can advise or offer suggestions but you would have to make it clear that you won't choose side regardless of the intended outcome and that you value both their friendship .
yet, after 31 years of marriage, she has determined there is something within the relationship that isn't doing it for her...the sexual thing is probably only the "tip of the iceberg"...i would expect that there are many things collectively that have brought this about.
if she is so set on ending the marriage, in lieu of any counseling then its someting you must accept..for better or worse..on your part.
the intimacies that a marriage create can only truly be an inherent part of the couple that are within the marriage and no matter how close you are to them...it is their will together that perpetuate the relationship..
time marches on...and if a person changes as that time goes by, it must be incorporated and valued into the relationship. if not..then eventually that relationship will fail. regardless of the duration or lenght of time the marriage has lasted.
Marrige like life is an evolution..
i feel for you as a genuine and sincere friend of this couple..but some things change and water never mixes with oil successfully.
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| November 16, 2006, 13:37 |
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