You know you've joined a pretty cheap ass health plan when...

The dialysis machines are "pedal - powered".

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Exam room has a tip jar.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."

To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
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Lance