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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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GOT JOKES?
AS YOU CAN TELL I LOVE STORIES AND JOKES SO IF YOU GOT SOME LETTS SEE THEM ......ILL START IT OFF WITH
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag....Sorry bikerchic
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| January 16, 2006, 12:50 |
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nykitten
54 / female
Pawling, New York, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
Now he needs a:
BEND OVER BITCH AND TAKE IT LIKE THE MAN YOU ARE!......  
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| January 16, 2006, 13:51 |
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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
Boredcountryboy, goes to a local bar and orders a drink. While sitting and sipping away at his whiskey, Kbateman sits down next to him.
She turns to Bcb and asks, "Are you a real cowboy"?
He replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
Silence takes over their conversation, as they slowly work on their drinks.
A short time later, JacknJill sits down on the other side of the Bcb and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"
Bcb answers, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." 
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| January 16, 2006, 15:51 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
 ok I am going to watch out for the fan and the kitchen sink to be thrown at you . is there a place i can go hide
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| January 16, 2006, 16:05 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
the truth is always funniest. 
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| January 16, 2006, 16:13 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (boredcountryboy @ January 16, 2006, 16:13)the truth is always funniest.
bcb i like this pic of you
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| January 16, 2006, 17:16 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
thank you.
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| January 16, 2006, 17:26 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (boredcountryboy @ January 16, 2006, 17:26)thank you.
welcome
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| January 16, 2006, 18:44 |
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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the
time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it
is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 2006 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The categories are as follows:
10-12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00 
08-10 inches Pole Tax $25.00 
05-08 inches Privilege Tax $15.00 
04-05 inches Nuisance Tax $103.00 
Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return.
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !!
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
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| January 16, 2006, 20:10 |
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absix
40 / male
Web Naughty
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 16, 2006, 15:51)Boredcountryboy, goes to a local bar and orders a drink. While sitting and sipping away at his whiskey, Kbateman sits down next to him.
She turns to Bcb and asks, "Are you a real cowboy"?
He replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
Silence takes over their conversation, as they slowly work on their drinks.
A short time later, JacknJill sits down on the other side of the Bcb and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"
Bcb answers, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
LOL!
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| January 16, 2006, 22:28 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 16, 2006, 20:10)The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the
time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it
is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 2006 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The categories are as follows:
10-12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00
08-10 inches Pole Tax $25.00
05-08 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
04-05 inches Nuisance Tax $103.00
Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return.
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !!
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
damn i left him to soon 
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| January 16, 2006, 23:23 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 16, 2006, 12:50)AS YOU CAN TELL I LOVE STORIES AND JOKES SO IF YOU GOT SOME LETTS SEE THEM ......ILL START IT OFF WITH
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag....Sorry bikerchic
that was a good one! I'll give you that one.
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| January 16, 2006, 23:26 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. 
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| January 17, 2006, 00:00 |
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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
 you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
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| January 17, 2006, 14:34 |
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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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Re: Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it 
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| January 17, 2006, 14:40 |
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kuzineddy
65 / couple
billings, Montana, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
what's the difference tween sasqautch&snatch?
Ones dirty,hairy and smelly and the other lives
in the woods.
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| January 17, 2006, 19:27 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 16, 2006, 12:50)AS YOU CAN TELL I LOVE STORIES AND JOKES SO IF YOU GOT SOME LETTS SEE THEM ......ILL START IT OFF WITH
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag....Sorry bikerchic
this one is priceless brother do you mind if I retell it
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| January 17, 2006, 19:55 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:40) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it
Oh ok 
 Why is air a lot like sex ?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
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| January 17, 2006, 22:19 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
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| January 17, 2006, 22:20 |
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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 22:19) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:40) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it
Oh ok
Why is air a lot like sex ?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
... What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
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| January 18, 2006, 10:59 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 18, 2006, 10:59) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 22:19) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:40) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it
Oh ok
Why is air a lot like sex ?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
... What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.  
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| January 18, 2006, 12:26 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
This will hurt... Had a friend say his girlfriend was pregnant with triplets. I told him that I would help him find the other two guys!!!
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| January 18, 2006, 12:40 |
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hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
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| January 18, 2006, 12:44 |
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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 18, 2006, 12:26) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 18, 2006, 10:59) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 22:19) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:40) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it
Oh ok
Why is air a lot like sex ?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
... What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this bunch of bull...."
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| January 18, 2006, 18:21 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Jill
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| January 18, 2006, 18:32 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
X-RATED RIDDLES
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex ?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
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| January 18, 2006, 18:34 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
5 Winning Smart Alleck Answers For 2005
>Smart Alleck Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
*****************
Smart Alleck Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************
Smart Alleck Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************
Smart Alleck Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*******************
#1 SMART ALLECK ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!
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| January 18, 2006, 18:36 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
0 things a man should know by 40
1. The difference between love and lust.
2. How to change a tire, a diaper, and a woman's mind.
3. When to hold on and when to let go.
4. Your capacity for intimacy and alcohol.
5. Basic carpentry, plumbing and automotive repair.
6. Advanced foreplay.
7. At least one woman other than their mother whose love
for them is substantial and enduring.
8. Trouble when he sees it.
9. True love when he feels it.
10. A load of bull when he hears it.
11. The symptoms of PMS and how to deal with them.
12. His strengths and weaknesses.
13. How to fast-talk and slow-dance.
14. The art of seduction.
15. That his wife is not his mother.
16. A woman's erogenous zones.
17. How to negotiate the inevitable compromises of a romantic
relationship in ways that keep both sides as happy as possible.
18. What he wants out of life and how to go after it.
19. Which medical tests he needs and when to get them.
20. How to make money, dinner, conversation, and love.
21. His own needs and another person's ability to fulfill them.
22. How to start a fire-in the hearth and the bed.
23. A realistic plan to secure his retirement.
24. An idealistic plan to secure his grandchildren's future.
25. How to unhook a bra with one hand-in the dark.
26. Where to get breakfast/gas/a prescription filled at 2 am.
27. How to give a toast and take a compliment.
28. How to be gracious in victory and defeat.
29. When to talk and when to listen.
30. At least one true friend who will be there whenever he calls.
31. The fundamental workings of the female psyche.
32. The Ten Commandments.
33. The importance of trying to follow them.
34. His way around a kitchen.
35. The futility of unrequited love.
36. The ecstasy of unconditional love.
37. How to open a bottle of champagne.
38. How to close a deal.
39. The magic of a woman.
40.
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| January 18, 2006, 20:35 |
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hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
where did you get that description of me
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| January 18, 2006, 21:01 |
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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
I just might get a beat down for this one but naughtybutterfly said to post it (I DARE YOU!)
SO HERE IT IS
Jack and Jill were a week away from their wedding day. Jack was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to take a chance. "Er, Jill, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Jack. Jill's answer as expected was, "No Jack, you have only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." So Jack accepts
The next night Jack again pesters Jill. Being the understanding sort, Jill gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow,
I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Jack and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Jill greets Jack and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."
Not being bashful, Jack lifts Jill's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Jill, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?"
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| January 19, 2006, 00:09 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 19, 2006, 00:09)I just might get a beat down for this one but naughtybutterfly said to post it (I DARE YOU!)
SO HERE IT IS
Jack and Jill were a week away from their wedding day. Jack was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to take a chance. "Er, Jill, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Jack. Jill's answer as expected was, "No Jack, you have only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." So Jack accepts
The next night Jack again pesters Jill. Being the understanding sort, Jill gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow,
I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Jack and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Jill greets Jack and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."
Not being bashful, Jack lifts Jill's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Jill, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?"
no i didn't I sayed that if you did it i bet you would get a beat-down dont pin this one on me now i did't do it.
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| January 19, 2006, 07:43 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
seeeeeeeeeee 
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| January 19, 2006, 09:42 |
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hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
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| January 19, 2006, 09:51 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
Just for the hell of it....
That was a good one! Must have kept until Saturday...because he's still here and happily married! He's never waited that long...UNLESS he is out of town!
Jill
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| January 19, 2006, 17:26 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Jacknjill143 @ January 19, 2006, 17:26)
now i told him you would kick his behinde. lol
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| January 19, 2006, 22:29 |
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Handyman96
54 / male
Boca, California, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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| January 20, 2006, 14:25 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 20, 2006, 14:25)A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
lol cute one handy
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| January 20, 2006, 16:27 |
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darkmark666
52 / male
millville, New Jersey, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
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| January 20, 2006, 16:31 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
he Nice Guy Test
Here is the much requested Nice Guy Test from Nice Guys Don't Get Laid by Marcus Pierce Meleton, Jr.
Copywright 1993 by Sharkbait Press
1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?
A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I'm late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it's a sixpack of
beer
E. I take a knife
2."Women are special." Is this statement true?
A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
C. Sometimes
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them. And
I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged
3. Genreally, when a girl cancels out of a date...
A. NOT APPLICABLE. I don't get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness. The only excuse I'll accept is
death-Hers
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery
4. When I meet a girl , I...
A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off
5. I think women are...
A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedistal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth
6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process,
blows your weekend.
A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs. If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment
7. On Valentine's Day...
A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but recieve few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want. I send no cards
unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don't get any cards and I blame all women for it
8. I get dates...
A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive
offerings
C. easily some times and hard other times. My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort. Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go. Sometimes that just isn't enough
if you answer these i will give you part tow of this
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| January 20, 2006, 22:05 |
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hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
ok I answered them , time for part 2
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| January 20, 2006, 22:17 |
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nykitten
54 / female
Pawling, New York, US
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ January 20, 2006, 22:17)
There is no part two!....
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| January 21, 2006, 06:27 |
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mrandmrslickalot
54 / couple
conway, South Carolina, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
Hi guys, There was this lady ,who was pulling a double shift at work.. So she came home physically and mentally just give out. She opened the door to her home to find out ,that her home had been broke into and her things were scattered everywhere. She scrambled to find the phone and plugged it back in. Praying it would work. She called 911. The operator told her they had an officer in her area. So she hangs up and decided to go outside and wait for him on the steps of her house. As she is waiting, she look up the road and sees the officer and his k9 walking in her direction. She begins to cry. By the time the officer had reached her she was pretty bad. He asked her. Lady whats the matter why are you crying. She said. Lets see. I worked a double shift at work . I come home to my house destroyed and all my stuff with it. I call 911 and the best they can offer me is a blind cop and his seeing eye dog.. lol Hope u enjoy.
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| January 21, 2006, 10:59 |
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hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
welcome
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| January 21, 2006, 12:03 |
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hardrock1955
69 / male
McGaheysville, Virginia, US
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Re: GOT JOKES?
Whats the difference between a drunk telegraph operator, and a lesbian ?
one is a lit clicker   , the other one is  ......
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| January 21, 2006, 12:12 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
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| January 21, 2006, 15:28 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (kbateman @ January 21, 2006, 15:28)A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
You gotta love "Little Johnny"!
Jill
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| January 22, 2006, 07:57 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ January 20, 2006, 22:17)ok I answered them , time for part 2 [/quote
ok 9. When I am at a bar...
A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in
10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...
A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life
11. When I settle down...
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down. The world is after me
12. Marriage...
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
fool around
E. is impossible
13. If I ever got married I would...
A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men
14. I get laid ...
A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot
15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are...
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date's credit card bill to see
the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons hope you like
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| January 22, 2006, 22:17 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 22, 2006, 22:17) QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ January 20, 2006, 22:17)ok I answered them , time for part 2 [/quote
ok 9. When I am at a bar...
A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in
10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...
A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life
11. When I settle down...
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down. The world is after me
12. Marriage...
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
fool around
E. is impossible
13. If I ever got married I would...
A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men
14. I get laid ...
A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot
15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are...
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date's credit card bill to see
the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons hope you like
ake your test results and grade it by giving each "A" answer 0 points,
1 point for each "B" answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer "E".
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:
0-8 MAMA'S BOY
Move back home, if you aren't there already. You are looking for a girl
just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don't exist,
and if they do, they don't have any interest in you.
If a Mama's boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.
If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill.
They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who
can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or
stands to gain from an inheritance. The negitive side is that you will have
to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen
to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to "Mad" Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty
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| January 22, 2006, 22:20 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: Re: Re: GOT JOKES?
QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 22, 2006, 22:20) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 22, 2006, 22:17) QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ January 20, 2006, 22:17)ok I answered them , time for part 2 [/quote
ok 9. When I am at a bar...
A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in
10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...
A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life
11. When I settle down...
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down. The world is after me
12. Marriage...
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
fool around
E. is impossible
13. If I ever got married I would...
A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men
14. I get laid ...
A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot
15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are...
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date's credit card bill to see
the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons hope you like
ake your test results and grade it by giving each "A" answer 0 points,
1 point for each "B" answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer "E".
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:
0-8 MAMA'S BOY
Move back home, if you aren't there already. You are looking for a girl
just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don't exist,
and if they do, they don't have any interest in you.
If a Mama's boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.
If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill.
They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who
can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or
stands to gain from an inheritance. The negitive side is that you will have
to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen
to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to "Mad" Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty
9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap. You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what
she is attracted to. Women chew you up and spit you out. You never get
laid.
If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it
made. The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss
that can keep him interesting. If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.
famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing
in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business
23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy , and sometimes you aren't. It depends on
the woman in question. For men of this type, It means that you probably
want what you probably can't get.
For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for
you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy . If he is not attracted to you, he acts
like Mr. Abuse
famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?
38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women. He is the one who gives the
least and gets the most. Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be
controled from this source. Cure him, and you have cured the problem
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| January 22, 2006, 22:23 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: GOT JOKES?
For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase,
the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life
worth living.
famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek,
James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O'Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo
Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO ok this is the last of it
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| January 22, 2006, 22:31 |
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