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bear
63 / male
OHIO, Ohio, US
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serious queston to all
How do you feel when your spouse puts you on that "back burner"? Some times I can understand it and other times I get burned being on the burner. when it concerns her kids (adults now) that when they call, she will drop what she is doing-even when we have plans for quality time with each other. with our jobs we seem to have little time as it is with each other.the fact I don't have "blood" children of my own make me wonder if I'm just being a jerk. I don't want to be. If it is an emergency I understand other times it is BS and she still runs to them. any ideas, suggestions on how to handle this is welcome.  am I a jerk I hope not
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| January 14, 2006, 21:47 |
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Re: serious queston to all
No bear your not a jerk. Once your kids are of age they should be able to handle most things by themselves. Help is one thing...overcompensating is another. Blood does not make a father, its what in your heart and the things you do that matters !!!
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| January 14, 2006, 21:53 |
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Re: serious queston to all
Well said Levi! As a mother, I want my children (both blood and not blood) to be able to handle their own problems. It's okay to offer emotional support for them when they are adults, but they will never make it on their own if Mommy and Daddy are always there to "bail" them out. It's important in a relationship to have quality time with each other. You are NOT a jerk for wanting that. The back burner is not a fun place to be...talk to her, tell her how you feel and ask her how she would feel if it were reversed.
Good luck~
 Jill
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| January 15, 2006, 09:08 |
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darkmark666
52 / male
millville, New Jersey, US
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Re: serious queston to all
I know exactly how that feels...my ex(you can see how that worked out) had 3 children from a previous marriage, and even when they "cried wolf", they were getting hands down, drop everything attention...this is a sticky M.F.! Because the problem I had difficulty dealing with was that no matter what, I would be # 4, I, myself, having no children, made her #1...but, that was her job as a parent, O.K. maybe not nessasarily hanging on their every whim, but, she was just trying to be the best parent she could be...so...Biologically speaking...what other spot was there for me?  ....#4
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| January 15, 2006, 09:23 |
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Re: Re: serious queston to all
QUOTE (darkmark666 @ January 15, 2006, 09:23)I know exactly how that feels...my ex(you can see how that worked out) had 3 children from a previous marriage, and even when they "cried wolf", they were getting hands down, drop everything attention...this is a sticky M.F.! Because the problem I had difficulty dealing with was that no matter what, I would be # 4, I, myself, having no children, made her #1...but, that was her job as a parent, O.K. maybe not nessasarily hanging on their every whim, but, she was just trying to be the best parent she could be...so...Biologically speaking...what other spot was there for me? ....#4
 I would have to disagree with you DM. She could have still been a great parent and still had you at the top of the list. Yes, kids always come first, no matter whether they are blood or not. It is common for kids to "cry wolf"...but it is also a sign of a good parent to not give in to it. A lot of times, it's an attention getter. A bad way to get it, but it obviously worked.
Everything happens for a reason...someone better is waiting out there for you.  
Jill
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| January 15, 2006, 10:00 |
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darkmark666
52 / male
millville, New Jersey, US
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Re: serious queston to all
yeah, I'm to forgiving!  ...thank you...
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| January 15, 2006, 10:48 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: serious queston to all
QUOTE (bear @ January 14, 2006, 21:47)How do you feel when your spouse puts you on that "back burner"? Some times I can understand it and other times I get burned being on the burner. when it concerns her kids (adults now) that when they call, she will drop what she is doing-even when we have plans for quality time with each other. with our jobs we seem to have little time as it is with each other.the fact I don't have "blood" children of my own make me wonder if I'm just being a jerk. I don't want to be. If it is an emergency I understand other times it is BS and she still runs to them. any ideas, suggestions on how to handle this is welcome. am I a jerk I hope not
Bear I have ben on the back burner all my life even when I was a kid. Back then, I was just called a push over,now i am just going through motchions so know how you feel. Belive me. You have one of two roades to take in this 1 you can go with her and help the family or friend with her be there with her show her you care about her friends and family. or 2 not ....you choose to love her its not a lust thing right? so that means you want to be part of her ?that is why they call them partners. You help eachother. now if she is eretated at you being around or acts like you can't help the situation.... putting you back on that burner.. then she doesen't love you enough to want to include you in her life...and she has grown apart from you. If the problem is you don't like the people she is around then you need to sit her down and talk to her about it. if she leasions then you have it made if not..... there is a time for everything like the song says you two will learn to make that time whatever the sutuation of the day brings to you if you give it the chance and make the choice. she is a part of your life not the whole thing show her that.the choices we make in are daly life makes up the things we love and live for.
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| January 16, 2006, 17:11 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: serious queston to all
QUOTE (bear @ January 14, 2006, 21:47)How do you feel when your spouse puts you on that "back burner"? Some times I can understand it and other times I get burned being on the burner. when it concerns her kids (adults now) that when they call, she will drop what she is doing-even when we have plans for quality time with each other. with our jobs we seem to have little time as it is with each other.the fact I don't have "blood" children of my own make me wonder if I'm just being a jerk. I don't want to be. If it is an emergency I understand other times it is BS and she still runs to them. any ideas, suggestions on how to handle this is welcome. am I a jerk I hope not
I think making your spouse your main concern, you life's focal point, can better benefit older children because you are showing the best example you can of how a wonderful marraige can be when there is complete and total commitment between partners..... even older children will follow the example their parents set, and if they see that a spouse can be taken for granted, devalued,...they might also treat their spouse the same way,... or worse...see this behaviour as acceptable, and allow themselve to be low on their spouses priority list...
Of course...I know what a good man you are, bear, and I don't need to tell you any of this, but what I'd like to tell your woman is that a good mother prepares her children for the best life they can possibly have by making sure they are moral, independant, clear thinking, and have sensitivety and tolerance towards others...but some women are selfish, there only sense of worth comes from their children, and they will always incumber, inhibit the maturity of their children, just so they will always depend on and need "mommy", and "mommy will always feel needed and important...the point is....when your children don't depend on you, don't need you (and still maintain a close relationship with you)then you've done a good job of raising them. If they can't have a life of their own without you're constant help and support....then you've fucked up, and you've fucked them up...
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| January 18, 2006, 18:22 |
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bear
63 / male
OHIO, Ohio, US
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Re: serious queston to all
just wanted to say thanks to all for the comments and advise. wife and I had long talk, started alittle heated but cooled down fast to a good sensible converstation that I think did some good for both of us. Thanks again "Bear"
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| January 23, 2006, 21:48 |
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Re: serious queston to all
Hi Bear,
Nothing, nothing in the world is as important as the children. It matters not that they are grown, nor that they can take care of most things themselves.
You are not being a jerk, but she is acting on the single most basic instinct. The only thing you can do, is mention that perhaps the kids can wait for her time if it is not an emergency.
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| January 24, 2006, 04:43 |
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