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Pidz
113 / male
Not Alabama, England, UK
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How to give your cay a pill...
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on
to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back
on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot,
drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek
to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across
the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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| August 10, 2012, 03:48 |
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