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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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a few biker jokes
that i found on another site credit due to who though them up
Happily Married Biker
Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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| May 28, 2010, 02:11 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
No Fear
One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.
The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"
"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."
"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.
To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."
Submitted by John from Rockford, IL
A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker".
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| May 28, 2010, 02:21 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Plaid Dildo
A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man , if you can't find a price on something make one up.
A white chick comes in and asks "how much for the white dildo?" he says "10 bucks" and she takes it.
A black chick comes in and asks " how much for the black dildo?" he says "20 bucks" and she takes it.
A biker chick comes in and asks "how much for the plaid dildo?" he says "30 bucks" and she takes it.
The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, "I sold a white dildo to a white chick for $10, a black dildo to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.
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| May 28, 2010, 02:24 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Mechanics of Heart Surgery
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its 'heart', take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
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| May 28, 2010, 02:24 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Bra Sizes (as defined by bikers!)
Did you ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, & F are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Darn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
Submitted by Carlos
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| May 28, 2010, 02:31 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Bad Biker Pick-up Lines
Pick-up lines you might want to avoid using at the local biker bar!
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
Submitted by Hollywood
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| May 28, 2010, 02:33 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Stuck In the Mud
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
Submitted by MotorPsycho
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| May 28, 2010, 02:34 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Free Sex
Two bikers rode into a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up, because they
heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex" said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked one.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"OK. I guess 7," said the other rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two guys go back to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and
10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the Harley rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Y'all come back soon
and try again."
As they walked back to their bikes, one said to the other,
"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," came the reply. "My wife won twice last week."
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| May 28, 2010, 02:36 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
You Might Be a Diehard Harley Rider, if:
#1: You call your bike your woman
#2: You treat it like it was your daughter
#3: You wash and polish it until it shines like a mirror
#4: You ride it more often than your wife (Hey, it can happen)
#5: You take it out to eat more than your wife
#6: You race against another bike and he loses
#7: You rev up your engine late at night and the neighbors start yelling
#8: You out ran the police
#9: You ride in a rally and everyone compliments you about how good you and your bike looks
#10: You watch bike shows on TV while relaxing in your armchair, drinking beer and buying Harley gear off the infomercials and off the internet
Submitted by NarleyHarley79
On the Farm
Three bikers are traveling in the middle of nowhere & need a place to sleep. They stop at a farm & ask the owner if they can spend the night.
The farmers says okay, but one has to sleep with the pigs, one has to sleep with the cows & the other has to sleep in a room with his 6 daughters.
The next morning...
The first biker says- "I feel like a pig, I slept with pigs all night"
The second biker says- "I feel like a cow, I slept with cows all night"
The third biker says- "I feel like a golfer. I've been in & out of 18 holes all night"
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| May 28, 2010, 02:38 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Tampons
A biker walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks "Where are your tampons?" The clerk goes, "Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left." Biker disappears down the aisle and finally, about 45 min. later he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls. The cashier starts to ring him up and goes, "You know, I know it's none of my business, but I thought you were here for tampons." Biker goes, "Well, last week I sent my ol' lady out for smokes and she comes back with ziz zags and tobacco, by God that fucking bitch can roll her own too."
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| May 28, 2010, 02:39 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Flea Rides
There were two flea friends that decided to go to Bike Week at Daytona. The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really sick. The first flea asks him why he is so sick. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing." The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a college dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair." So next year the first flea again arrives early. The second flea arrives later and he is sick again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?" The second flea says, "I DID - I crawled up a beautiful woman 's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.
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| May 28, 2010, 02:41 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Just Say NO!
A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
Submitted by Hawk
Screwed By Nuns
"I was riding my Harley when I saw a sign by the road that said [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, 10 miles, get screwed for only $ 50.], I thought, nahh must be a joke.
A little further, there was another sign, [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, next exit, follow signs & get screwed for only $50]. Well I thought I gotta check this out, so I took the exit & followed the signs. Pulling into the parking lot I saw only a couple of other bikes. I went up & knocked on the door, a nun actually answered.
I said, "um, I saw the signs by the road." "Oh" she smiled, "Come on in." So I did, then she said, "You want to go down that hall on the right & then knock on the second door", so I did, (knock).
A half dressed nun with the greatest body I've ever seen on a sister answered, & smiled, she said "I'm just getting finished so just put the $50 in the jar on the dresser & go through that door at the end of the room, & wait a sec" She winks, & points to the door, & then saunters out wigglin' one hell of a nice ass .
I put my money in the jar, & went out the door. To my surprise, I found myself back in the parking lot. I thought this must be a mistake, & turned back to the door. There was a sign that read, "YOU've just been screwed for $50 by the Sisters of St. Mary's, Sinner"
You just can't trust a nun.
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| May 28, 2010, 02:43 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: a few biker jokes
Can't believe nobody posted a LOL at this selection of jokes.
So here's something better..a ROTFLMTO
T???
yeah T..for tits.
 
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| November 2, 2010, 12:34 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
yepper guess ya got to be a biker to like biker jokes and yes t is for titties
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| November 6, 2010, 17:52 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: Re: a few biker jokes
QUOTE (ashkats @ November 6, 2010, 17:52)yepper guess ya got to be a biker to like biker jokes and yes t is for titties
I'm not a biker ashkats but I still liked the jokes..oh i used to ride a 250 Suzuki (lol does that count?) way back in my younger days.
Bikers are called 'bikies' in Australia btw.
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| November 7, 2010, 04:34 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: a few biker jokes
hey ashkats, you might appreciate this:
What do you see when bikers/bikies smile?
All the dead insects on their teeth. (Cos they are so happy when they ride).
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| November 7, 2010, 06:58 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
it don't matter what you ride as long as you ride, i use to have a 250 Suzuki too, and i sold my yam and kow too, this summer.but still have my BSA and Harley. and i don't get bugs in my teeth i don't smile....then my big ole gray beard catches them all and i comb em out... and thats why i hate hornets
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| November 8, 2010, 00:33 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: a few biker jokes
ohhhhh yeah I know what you mean..hornets.
Had a bee go down my shirt while riding..nothing worse. almost lost control of the bike trying to get it out. But it must have looked funny to anyone watching me doing a dance and ripping my shirt off beside the road.
Ever had no choice but to ride close to a set of beehives and wondering if the noise of the bike would set them all off charging at you?
Luckily they didn't but it was kinda scary.
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| November 8, 2010, 03:57 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
i drove my car into a cloud of Honey bees once, i was pulling up to a stop sign right in to them, had the windows downmade me glad for power windows. then on the bike one day came sqreaching to a stop and started ripping off my jacket and shirt got a hornet in side and was stung 6 times , came in my sleave and ended up on my belt line. a lady in her yard just awatching me fling stuff yelling. i told her i was getting stung....
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| November 8, 2010, 14:58 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: a few biker jokes
I guess we can laugh about it now (can we?), but not much fun at the time. Bee swarms can be deadly.
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| November 8, 2010, 15:11 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
ya i guess
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| November 12, 2010, 15:36 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
some more biker jokeas not so naughty but ya might get a giggle....
biker Wisdom
Midnight Bugs taste Best!
Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they can hold everything you need.
Wear heavy boots -- you can't kick things when you're wearing sneakers.
Never argue with a woman holding a torque wrench.
If you're a complainer, ride at the back of the pack so you won't contaminate the rest of the group.
Never try to race an old Geezer, he may have one more gear than you.
The size of the piston don't tell you nothin' about the depth of the stroke.
Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
You'll get farther down the road if you learn to use more than two fingers on the front brake.
Routine maintenance should never be neglected.
It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed.
The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
Never be afraid to slow down.
Only bikers understand why dogs love to stick their heads out car windows.
Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
Never ask a biker for directions if you're in a hurry to get there.
If it take more than three bolts to hold it on, it's probably crucial.
Anything that shows up on more than two bikes is a fad.
Remember that you will be judged by the horse you rode in on.
Don't ride so late into the night that you sleep through the sunrise.
Pie and coffee are as important as gasoline.
The number of kicks it takes to start your bike is directly proportional to the number of spectators.
Never ask your bike to scream before her throat is good and warm.
Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of gas before you can think straight.
If you want to get a job, you may have to compromise your principals -- you may even have to shave.
Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you'll ride alone.
Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town.
Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing. So does a good lover.
A cold hamburger can be reheated quite nicely by strapping it to an exhaust pipe and riding forty miles.
Never do less then forty miles before breakfast.
If you don't ride in the rain, you don't ride.
A bike on the road is worth two in the shop.
Respect the person who has seen the dark side of motorcycling and lived.
Young riders pick a destination and go...old riders pick a direction and go.
Overconfidence can be supplied by spare spark plugs, a set of wrenches, and a roll of toilet paper.
Never offer to fight an old geezer. If you win, there's no glory. If you lose, your reputation is shot.
A good wrench will let you watch without charging you for it.
Advice is free and worth every penny.
Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night
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Always back your scoot into the curb and sit where you can see it.
Work to ride -- ride to work.
Whatever it is, its better in the wind.
Two lane blacktop isn't a highway --it's an attitude.
When you look down the road, it seems to never end, but you better believe it does.
A biker can smell a party 5,000 miles away.
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| November 21, 2010, 05:09 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
Winter is nature's way of telling you to polish.
A motorcycle can't sing on the streets of a city.
Keep your bike in good repair: motorcycle boots are not comfortable for walking.
People are like motorcycles: each is customized a bit differently.
More races were won in the tavern than on the track.
Never loan your bike to someone else, and never ride another's.
If the bike isn't braking properly, you don't start by rebuilding the engine.
Motorcycling is a giant game of "Mine's Bigger Than Yours"!
Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor.
Sometimes the best communication happens when you're on separate bikes.
Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
Good coffee should be indistinguishable from 50 weight motor oil.
The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
Learn to do counter-intuitive things that may someday save your butt.
The twisties -- not the superslabs -- separate the bikers from the squids.
Beware the biker whose ink peels off.
New leather don't smell right.
When you're riding lead--don't spit.
If you really want to know what's going on, watch what's happening at least 5 cars ahead.
Don't make a reputation you'll have to live down or run away from later.
If the person in the next lane at the stoplight rolls up the window and locks the door, support their view of life by
snarling at them.
Smoke and grease can hide a multitude of errors, but only for so long.
A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere to get you when you're broken down.
If she changes her oil more than she changes her mind, follow her.
The thicker your oil, the hotter you can take it.
Catchin a june bug @ 70 mph can double your vocabulary.
If you want to get somewhere before sundown, you can't stop at every tavern.
There's something ugly about a new bike on a trailer.
You can always hear a classic open primary -- it sounds like $1.34 in change is loose in the friction plates.
Hunger can make even road kill taste good.
You gotta be smart enough to understand the rules of motorcycling, and dumb enough to think the games important.
Don't lead the pack if you don't know where you're going.
If you leave without one of your group, you better hope he doesn't catch up at the next stop.
Sleep with one arm thru the spokes and keep your pants on.
Practice wrenching on your own bike.
Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't.
Three things can't be trusted: a fart, a cook, and a rear view mirror.
Beware the biker who says the bike never breaks down.
Some bikes run on 99-octane ego.
Owning 2 bikes is useful because at least one can be raided for parts at any given time.
You'll know she loves you if she offers to let you ride her bike. Don't do it and she'll love you even more.
Don't argue with an 18-wheeler.
Don't lean on the horn 'til you're out of danger. Then blast it for all you're worth.
Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit.
Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
A good long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and use up a lot of gasoline.
If the countryside seems boring, stop, get off your bike, and go sit in the ditch long enough to appreciate what was here before the asphalt came.
If you can't get it going with bungee cords and electricians tape -- it's serious.
If you ride like there's no tomorrow, there won't be.
Bikes parked out front mean good chicken-fried steak inside.
If you want to complain about the pace being set by the road captain, you better be prepared to lead the group yourself.
Gray-haired bikers don't get that way from pure luck.
There are drunk bikers and there are old bikers, but there are no old, drunk bikers!
We don't need no stinkin' weekend warriors.
Thin leather looks good in the bar, but it won't save you from "road rash" if you go down.
The best modifications can't be seen from the outside.
Always replace the cheapest parts first.
You can forget what you do for a living when your knees are in the breeze.
No matter what you ride, it's all the same wind.
It takes both pistons and cylinders to make a bike run. One is not more important than the other.
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| November 21, 2010, 05:10 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: a few biker jokes
Excellent Ashkats!
I take it you've read Pirsig's 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' too? (You can download the whole thing online I think).
Not that any of these have come from that book, but lots of the philosophy have.
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| November 21, 2010, 05:22 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
i think i got some off of usenet at one time and im cleaning out the computer lol somes from damm bikers too
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| November 22, 2010, 04:28 |
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User no longer registered.
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Re: a few biker jokes
just keep em comin ashkats...if it helps clean up your puter man!
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| November 22, 2010, 15:33 |
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ashkats
65 / couple
crystal falls, Michigan, US
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Re: a few biker jokes
very much indeed
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| March 12, 2012, 18:33 |
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