|
| AUTHOR |
MESSAGE |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Best friends
I'd like to hear everyone's take on having a member of the opposite sex as your best friend even if you are married.
What about it?? 
|
| April 28, 2008, 20:08 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I've had a best friend, who is female, for almost fifty years. Our friendship comes with each of us, and our respective partners always knew it right up front.
People who are insecure with themselves might have an issue with it. Our friendship is entirely too important to be wasting time with insecure people who cannot accept it.
|
| April 28, 2008, 21:13 |
|
40something
57 / female
In the Sun, Arizona, US
|
Re: Best friends
I think it is hard for people in a new relationship to understand that they aren't "everything" for their significant other. It is hard to understand what they are getting from a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that they can't get at home. I guess I would understand if it was with someone before their relationship developed, but if it is someone new -- well that is different.
|
| April 28, 2008, 21:54 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I think it's fine, but once one marries, or commits to someone, then some changes will or should happen to accommodate that relationship...it's not really that big of a deal to dial it down, back it off a little bit in pure respect for your spouse and your relationship with them...if you want to act single, if you want your life to be just like it is when you're single...then dammit...stay single....if you involve yourself seriously with another, make a commitment...expect changes, it's hardly ever just a one way or one sided thing, both parties learn to factor in each other, compromise on issues...cuz that's what it means to be one half of a couple.
|
| April 29, 2008, 18:29 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I certainly agree with that Chazzy. Me and my hubby have been married 33 years now. Although we have had our ups and downs like most any couple we have always managed to work through them. Honesty and communication are key factors in a good relationship, 
|
| April 29, 2008, 19:03 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I have a male friend who i've known for 30 years. We go shopping together and out for lunch, he has a partner and i had a husband and neither of them were bothered. We'd also meet up as couples. I would have never given his friendship up for anyone, if i am not trusted to have a male friend then there is no point carrying on with the relationship. Just because he is male doesn't mean i will cheat with him. I don't think it is any different to having a female friend, if there is no trust in the relationship, then there is no relationship.
|
| April 30, 2008, 10:37 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Well said, HBG!!! 
|
| April 30, 2008, 11:01 |
|
prettyplze1
54 / female
Licking pussyville Essex, England, UK
|
Re: Best friends
I second that!!!HBG
So because i am a lesbian does that mean my partners should be worried if i have female friends, it's the same thing.
I also have lots of male friends.
A friends a friend despite what sex they are and we need friends, partners can come and go, but true friends, whether they be the opposite sex or not, are there for life.
I also think just because you get involved in a relationship you certainly don't have to lose friends, if someone expects you to then they don't want the person they met.
|
| April 30, 2008, 11:21 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Agree 100% PP, we grow up with our friends and they are there for us through thick and thin, so to drop that friendship because you meet someone new, shows them how unimportent they are. I could never drop my friends for anyone whether the friend is male or female, they are part of my past and my future and if someone wants to be part of my life then except my friends are apart of it too.
|
| April 30, 2008, 11:32 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
My best friend is a male. That is why I asked the question. He and I worked in the same office (a small one) for 10 years. To be perfectly honest though he and I did have a little fling when both of our spouses were having difficulties (emotional problems).  Both of them later found out but because my husband is a wonderful man and his wife is a loving and forgiving person not only did they forgive the both of us but we all continue to be good friends.  I know I was very fortunate and that others might not be so. Therefore I will say for you to be very careful. I never thought I would do anything behind my husband's back but sometime circumstances cause us to do things that we never thought we would.  Believe it or not though, it has made my husband and I closer than we were and made us realize that a good relationship requires honesty and communication. 
|
| April 30, 2008, 11:45 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
No now, I don't think you should lose your friends when you're in a relationship, I'm just saying you should respect the person and the relationship, that may mean backing off a little bit at first. Being half of a couple means you're not single.
I know many friends that get into a serious relationship, I'm a good friend, I don't expect them to spend quite as much time with me, I understand there may be some changes, I understand that now there is another person involved to consider and I respect their relationship and their partner...to me, a good best friend isn't someone you spend a gob of time with, it's not measured by how much time you spend, it's being a friend through fair weather and stormy, I wouldn't begrudge a true friend just because there was someone else in their life. I wouldn't dream of in any way "competing" for their time and attention...I would us ALL to get along and have some respect for each other. A good friend makes life easier, happier and doesn't complicate things for you.
|
| April 30, 2008, 11:46 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Very well put Chazzy.
|
| April 30, 2008, 11:48 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I would never do anything with my male friend as i respect his partner to much and he is a friend and i would never cross that line. His friendship is to special to me to lose because of a fling. He has been in my life over 30yrs so he is part of the furniture.
If i had messed about with him before or during a relationship, then that is a whole different matter, both partners would have cause for concern
|
| April 30, 2008, 11:53 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Never say Never HBG. I used to proclaim that as well but in a moment when you least expect it sometimes S--- happens.  Like I said, it all worked out well for me and I am very fortunate to still have my hubby and my best friend and wife in my life.
|
| April 30, 2008, 11:57 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Glad it all worked out well for you, but in this instance i can say 100% never, i would not jeopardize our friendship in anyway.
I also would never hurt his wife in that way. I know how that feels and i would never make someone else feel like that, ever
|
| April 30, 2008, 12:04 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Then let us agree to disagree agreeably. 
Have a great day hon.
|
| April 30, 2008, 12:26 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I don't think it's so much as the kind of person we (the best friend) are as just maybe respecting the friend's spouse, partner, SO....
Sometimes...well...it's just not unusual for a person for whaterver personal history they may have...to have trust issues...it's probably pretty common, I think everyone has, had, or will end up with some sort of trust issue...so often, our best friends or us, will end up with a spouse or SO that has some trust issues, I don't mind allowing for that...in my own life, and in the life of a best friend.
|
| April 30, 2008, 13:36 |
|
cjroxy
59 / couple
Hot and Balmy, England, UK
|
Re: Re: Best friends
QUOTE (hotbubblegum @ April 30, 2008, 11:32)Agree 100% PP, we grow up with our friends and they are there for us through thick and thin, so to drop that friendship because you meet someone new, shows them how unimportent they are. I could never drop my friends for anyone whether the friend is male or female, they are part of my past and my future and if someone wants to be part of my life then except my friends are apart of it too.
Totally agree. A friend is for life. Not everything can stay the distance without judgement or confrontation!. 
|
| April 30, 2008, 16:25 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
It's possible for your best friends to marry, have children, focus on their careers and such, and not have as much time for you, you may drift apart...but as long as you know they are happy, healthy, and all that...ya don't need to spend every day with them. I love friends just as much when we were free to spend tons of time together or when we reached a point in our lives when it was time to re-focus our priorities to starting own own lifes with a mate, in-laws, and/or starting a family of our own. That's a natural thing I think, you don't dump your friends...but you may compromise on time spent with them for a mate (and the mate will make compromises for you too) and you just may be busy with all that is a grown up life that you just don't see each other as often, talk as often, but the friendship is still there.
|
| April 30, 2008, 20:30 |
|
stevanos
65 / male
A place in Bendover, British Columbia, Canada
|
Re: Best friends
Are you saying that even though I'm married, I can't become best friends with a female married co-worker? Wouldn't it depend on the four people involved and what they all think of the situation as being friends only? I mean I get along better with women...as friends. 
|
| April 30, 2008, 20:38 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Oh hell no, I'm just saying that the dynamics of a friendship can change when one or both get married, and/or start families, or other major lifestyle changes...and I am saying that for me...me personally, I don't mind factoring in a best friends lover, spouse, flavor of the week whatever...I want him to have dates, a wife if he wants, a family uf he chooses and I'll factor all that into the friendship , and he sure as hell will do the same for me.
|
| April 30, 2008, 20:55 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Re: Best friends
QUOTE (stevanos @ April 30, 2008, 20:38)...Wouldn't it depend on the four people involved and what they all think of the situation as being friends only?....
So...what would you do if one of ya isn't quite comforatable with it all....your wife, her husband..whatever...how would ya'all work that out?
|
| April 30, 2008, 21:03 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Wow, I really got quite a discussion going here, didn't I? I am awfully glad that I have a husband that is a wonderful, loving, forgiving man that allows me to be me. My friend and I made a mistake when the both of us felt that our spouses were not there for us anymore. Regrettable, but it happened. We both hated that it hurt our spouses because we love them and are all friends. Once again I just thank God that all of us were able to talk through it and learn from it and that we are still very good friends and know that we can rely on each other anytime we need to. When his wife was in the hospital I slept on the floor beside her for 2 nights. When I was in the hospital for tests on my heart my husband and the both of them were right there. When their truck needed major fixing my husband fixed it and only charged for the parts even though he had hours and hours of labor in it. We eat dinner together every Monday night and watch a movie. In our case the saying "Love conquers all" is certainly true because we do all love each other and we did not allow our indiscretion to keep us from still being friends. We all really do love each other and us not being friends anymore would have been a shame.
|
| May 1, 2008, 11:45 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I'd like to think I am a progressive thinker, but...still pretty old fashioned when it comes to marriage and commitment.
I think partners should learn to be each others best friend, and home, marriage and your spouse should be the top priority.
It's hard, hard work.
If...as the say...the shoe were on the other foot...would we really want our spouse going to their opposite sex best friend to cry, lean on their shoulder to share their deepest feelings and thoughts with them, getting their thoughts, support and advice...instead of us, instead of working towards building that kind of thing with us?
|
| May 1, 2008, 21:07 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I agree with you about that 100%. My husband was mentally ill at the time. Not an excuse or rationalization. Just a fact. Mental illness is hell and changes ones whole demenor. The man I loved was not there for me to lean on, laugh with, share thoughts with, etc. because it was him that I was crying over. It had been that way for over 2 yrs. before he really began to get better. Now with the help of God and his meds he is doing well and our relationship is wonderful again. Thanks for everyones opinions and Peace be with you. 
|
| May 2, 2008, 07:07 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
I'm happy to hear things are better now for the both of you!
I understand that at times they may be a seperation for a couple, or something like what you went through with your husband.
Life gets pretty rough on us sometimes, just happy to know things are good for you now.
|
| May 2, 2008, 08:10 |
|
User no longer registered.
|
Re: Best friends
Thanks Chazzy! This site is so so cool. We may never meet in person but I feel like I am making lots of new friends here.
|
| May 2, 2008, 08:15 |
|
|
